What it Means to be a Scream-Free Parent

By Elaine Taylor-Klaus

When I first read the book, ScreamFree Parenting: the Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool, by Hal Runkel, I was struck by the simplicity of its primary message: Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents. It’s much like dog training, where the methods involve focus on the owner, not the dog. While I can’t crate my kids while I fix dinner, I can use what I’ve learned as a life and parenting coach to keep things scream-free and maintain (mostly) a peaceful home.

The ScreamFree message is clear and easy to understand (if not always to follow):

Focus on yourself
Calm yourself down
Grow yourself up

As Runkel states in his book, “the only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.” After all, if we want them to grow up to become respectful, self-directed people who take responsibility for their actions, doesn’t it make sense for us to model that behavior ourselves?

You might be thinking, “How exactly am I supposed to model that behavior when my family seems completely out of control?” I know what you mean. Runkel’s message does seem to conflict with reality.

While training with Runkel to learn the ScreamFree methods, I questioned him about the unique challenge of applying his message to special needs children. After all, home life is different for those who parent children with learning differences. Doesn’t that call for a different parenting approach than is used for neuro-typical kids? The answer is yes, and no.

On the one hand, the details of managing complex kids often take on a particular quality. We deal with a different kind of emotionality and frustration in the special needs world. Behaviors come from a need to “let go,” or a place of feeling overwhelmed, or a sense of extreme fatigue in trying hard to hold it together. In fact, we tolerate many behaviors with special needs kids that we might not otherwise because we understand and accept what’s behind those behaviors. Bottom line: while typical parents respond to “naughty” behavior, we are often trying to manage “neurological” behavior.

Fortunately, focusing on ourselves, calming down and taking responsibility for our own behavior creates a particularly positive environment for responding to difficult “neurological” behaviors. No matter how crazy life can get at home, it is better when we parents remove ourselves from the drama!

Here’s how I resolved the conflict of Runkel’s message with the reality of my family life: I respect the principles of ScreamFree Parenting, yet I modify its application for my special needs world. Every day I try to apply ScreamFree principles, even though some of the particular strategies don’t always fit.

ScreamFree Parenting is about “learning to relate with others in a calm, cool, and connected way; taking hold of your own emotional responses to matter how anyone else chooses to behave; learning to focus on yourself and take care of yourself for the world’s benefit.” Can you think of a better message for parents whose kids might spiral out of control, or swim on the floor, or drape themselves across a desk like a tablecloth?

Here are 15 ScreamFree principles that I think are especially useful for parenting complex kids:

“Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice.” While it’s not always easy to shake off the comments and thoughts of others, you do have a certain amount of control over how they affect you.
“Taking responsibility for your own actions is a sign of maturity. Owning up to your mistakes without blaming your circumstances, other people, or your childhood – this is when you know you’re a grown up.”
“To be ‘in charge’ as a parent means inspiring your children to motivate themselves.” Focus on influence, rather than control.
“To exercise a position of authority in your family … you have to first calm down.” Authentic respect requires calm, not controlling behavior.
“Begin with the end in mind, but let go of the Final Results.” Especially for our kids with learning differences, focus on the process rather than the outcome.
Be willing to endure discomfort for a greater payoff later. It’s hard holding our kids accountable to the structures we teach them, but it will serve everyone in the end.
“If you want your children to become self-directed adults, you have to face the truth that you cannot do it for them.” This one requires modification for our kids, but is still important – the goal is independence.
“Rarely look your kids in the eye when talking with them” (Ok, this is a tactic, not a principle, but it’s so great for our kids! Ever notice that great conversations tend to happen when you’re driving and they don’t have to look at you? It gives them a chance to process without feeling scrutinized).
Calm yourself down and let your kids struggle. For kids with learning or behavior issues, pay attention to when it’s time to intervene, but give them a chance to try first, when you can.
“What you say about your kids is more important than what you say to them. No one is ever always anything.” As in “…you’re always late, you’re always making mistakes, you’re always disobeying me…”
Expect your kids to surprise you. Allow room for them to change!
“All patterns, no matter how ingrained, can be changed.” Whatever your reality is at the moment, it is not necessarily permanent. You do have choices about your own behavior.
“Let the consequences do the screaming.” Put consequences in place in advance, and then step aside and let the “system” be the bad guy.
“Empty threats are really broken promises.” Do what you say you will do.
“You cannot take care of your family unless you first tend to yourself.”

Most of these principles are self-explanatory and make common sense. Which ones resonate with you as a parent? Which ones do you think might resonate with your kids (as you try them out)? Not all of them will apply to you. Often it just takes little tweaks in our own behavior to bring big improvements in our families.

If the list feels overwhelming, which is perfectly normal and understandable, then start with the last suggestion on the list. Tend to yourself. Sometimes that’s the first step in finding the “calm” you need in order to handle the chaos.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus is a Life & Parenting Coach and the co-founder of ImpactADHD.com, an online coaching community for parents of kids with ADHD. She writes for “Living Without” magazine and is a regular columnist on ShareWIK.com and MySpecialNeedsNetwork.com. Elaine shares her business, Touchstone Coaching, with her husband, David Taylor-Klaus.