Joan K. Teach, PhD
As both educators and parents become more aware of the subtle-to-obvious evidence of bullying, more questions are being asked. Where do the threats come from? How prevalent is this bullying? Is my child the bully? How can I intervene, protect and provide strength so that the bullying is stopped?
The door slams, “Sam is that you? You broke your glasses again! That’s the fourth time this year.” Taking a closer look, mom realizes there is another rip in his shirt, and the belt loops are torn from his jeans. If only this child would stop being so messy and be more careful. I guess boys will be boys!
“Mom, I just can’t do it! I’m sick! I can’t go! I can’t do it!” Your daughter starts yelling as the bus approaches the house. Just fifteen minutes ago, she was ready to head out the door. What do you do now? Throw her into the car and pitch her into the doorway of the principal’s office? There’s seems to be no obvious reason for her behavior.
Colette’s dad comes home to overhear her conversation with a friend. In near hysterics she cries, “I can’t face it, I can’t talk about it. I will never be able to show my face again.” Then, “I might as well kill myself!” as she stomps off to her room. Shaken by what he has heard, dad still chalks the outburst up to adolescent drama.
These parents are not insensitive; they are concerned but feel helpless as to how they can smooth the turmoil in their children’s lives. What they still have to discover is that the reason for these problems stems from the fact that their child is being bullied. Each, in his own way, is crying out for help.
Bullying has become a crisis in America and across the world. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lists bullying as the primary cause of absenteeism in America and states it is closely linked to teen depression and suicide. Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University in 2008 (International Journal of Adolescent Medicine Health). In a Harvard interview of high school students, 96% reported having been bullied at least once in their lives, 85% reported witnessing bullying, and 46% indicated that they refused to go to extracurricular activities because the bullies are there. Sadly, 2% of their classmates committed suicide after consistent bullying.
In a recent report from the American Medical Association who studied 6th – 10th graders, it was determined that approximately 3.7 million youth are engaged in bullying and more than 3.2 million are victims of moderate to severe bullying each year (Educational Forum on Adolescent Health, Youth Bullying, AMD Proceedings, May 3, 2002). The Web site, www.targetbully.com, gives the following chilling statistics on the pervasive problem facing schools today:
- 8.4% to 20% of children report being bullied multiple times per week
- As many as 44.6% of children report being bullied at least once per year
- 9% to 13% of children report bullying others several times per week
- 24% to 25% of children admit to bullying others at least once per year
Other studies report 282,000 students are physically attacked in our secondary schools each month. At least one event of bullying occurs every 7 minutes, and adults intervene in only 4% of these cases. Peers help 11% of the time, which leaves 85% of the victims to fend for themselves
(NICHD, research arm of National Institutes of Health).
What exactly is bullying? Where is the line between teasing and bullying?
Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior that is intentional, hurtful, and/or threatening and persistent. This aggression can be physical or psychological. Bullying involves an imbalance of strength that allows one individual to have power and dominance over another.
Examples of bullying include:
- Punching, shoving and other acts that cause physical harm
- Spreading rumors (including cyber-bullying)
- Excluding people from a “group”
- Teasing in a mean way
- Getting certain people to “gang up” on others
(www.bullytarget.com)
The bully intends to create fear and harm, and plans to repeat the behavior. He is delighted with the power of intimidating another person with less power. With good-natured teasing, both youngsters bring the same level of power and ability to the situation. They banter about an issue and laugh at the outcome. When the abuse becomes willful, the situation changes into bullying.
Hitting, teasing, taunting, spreading rumors, gossiping, stealing, excluding, intending to harm – these are all means of exercising power. Bullies seldom take responsibility for their own behavior. They may make excuses and not even realize what they were doing was harmful.
Marlene Snyder, Ph.D, in her article, Understanding Bullying and Its Impact on Kids with Learning Disabilities or AD/HD (www.greatschools.org) explains the differences between your run-of-the-mill classroom scraps versus bullying.
| NORMAL CONFLICT |
BULLYING |
| Happens occasionally |
Happens repeatedly |
| Accidental |
Done on purpose |
| Not serious |
Serious – threat of physical harm or emotional or psychological hurt |
| Equal emotional reaction |
Strong emotional reaction on part of the victim |
| Not seeking power or attention |
Seeking power or control |
| Not trying to get something |
Trying to gain material things or power
|
| Remorseful – takes responsibility |
No remorse – blames victim |
| Effort to solve the problem |
No effort to solve the problem |
What are some signs of bullying?
Parents have a sense that something is wrong, that their child is unhappy, insecure or not acting as the happy-go-lucky child he once was. Not quite knowing what is going on, parents may want to consider the following to be sure bullying isn’t the issue.
Check the warning signs that bullying might be happening to your child:
- Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
- Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches from bullying in schools
- Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
- Seems afraid of going to school, wanting to avoid bullying in schools, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
- Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school
- Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
- Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
- Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments
- Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams about bullying in school
- Experiences a loss of appetite
- Appears anxious and/or suffers from low self-esteem
http://www.how-to-stop-bullying.com/schoolbullying.html
Why don’t victims report the abuse or fight back?
Victims of bullying are often confused as to what to do. Telling teachers or parents feels like tattling. They may also feel that “telling” will make things worse by making the bully mad. Just ignoring the bullying behavior often doesn’t work, and might even escalate the situation since many bullies are looking for a reaction of some kind.
Remember, this is a situation of power. Victims want to please. They frequently believe that what has happened to them is really their fault. Often the abuse accelerates to a level of danger. The victim’s safety is in jeopardy and there is the possibility of a tragic outcome.
As parents, you plead with your child to tell. When they do tell, record the event. Get facts, details, date, time, location, names, sequence of events, injuries and feelings. You may need this oral history. Bullying is a repetitive event, and stopping the bullying is never an overnight repair.
Who is the bully?
While boys tend to be more physical, obvious and direct in their tactics, girls tend to be more verbal, secretive and recruit others in their harassment of their target. Girls can also use nonviolent ways of bullying, e.g., spreading rumors. Despite the stereotypical picture of a bully (from a bad family and/or lower socioeconomic background), they come from all levels of income and family dynamics.
Recent studies, documented in the Journal of Developmental Medicine & Child Neurology and the Journal of Learning Disabilities, show that students with ADHD are recorded as four times more prone to bully. Those with learning differences are more likely to be both the victim and the bully as they try to defend themselves and retaliate. Thirty percent of those with learning differences find they are victims of peer rejection and therefore are vulnerable targets. In many situations, the bully was once the victim. Persistent abuse can lead to feelings of lack of power. Bullying is a way to feel in control and powerful.
How can you help the bully?
If your child is the bully, it does not mean you are a bad parent. Do assess your parenting style. Be sure you are not leading by example that anger and violence has a reward. Be consistent and work with your child to understand the impact his behavior has on others.
Hold your child responsible for his negative or hurtful behavior. Make the consequences fit the act. Avoid a public display of punishment, especially disparaging remarks about your child in front of others. Children are sensitive to things said about them, especially comments that make them feel they are inferior and less than worthy. Positive comments and genuine praise develop a positive feeling of self-worth. Teach respectful behavior so he can learn the essentials of positive personal interactions. Provide strategies for open communication and help your child proactively assess his behavior.
Encourage your child to be slow to take offense. Children are often quick to interpret innocent actions as being hostile. This reaction can reinforce a hair-trigger violent reaction. Being able to step back assess the situation and see it through a new light is important. Role-playing the event often helps your child to put the activity in perspective. Teach self-talk so the child can think more clearly through a situation. Praise your child’s non-aggressive responses and his ability to be respectful.
Help your child to find a friend. Empower your child to want to change. You don’t need to do this alone. Your community is full of trained psychologists, counselors, therapists, and others whose skills can support your family’s needs. Seek counseling, find a social skill group or anger management specialist. Do all that you can to find the road to healthy interaction between your child and others.
Who is a common victim?
In this time of awareness, there is a small but growing interest in research on the impact that a child’s special needs has on bullying. Students who learn differently seem to be a magnet for the bully. If a child learns more slowly, or is intellectually delayed, the bully senses this as a vulnerability and often uses it to his advantage. If a child is impulsive, as with ADHD, the bully picks and goads the student into acting out or exploding. If a child has cerebral palsy or some other motor difficulty, the bully points out this inability, often imitating, harassing and embarrassing the child. If the teasing isn’t enough, the child can then be physically abused. This physical attack can come at any time to any of our youngsters.
Children who have slurred speech, stutter, or have slower speech processing are all vulnerable. Dietary restrictions, issues with diabetes, and obesity can all be targeted as indication of a lesser ability, and therefore are targeted for bullying. Students with delays in social understanding, such as Asperger’s syndrome, are often set up as the bully nurtures them as a friend, finds out their most sensitive areas, then attacks. This all sounds vicious, and it is. To gain a deeper understanding, log on to: Bullying Among Children and Youth with Disabilities and, and Special Needs (www.education.com), or http//www.StopBullyingNow.hrsa.gov/.
How can you help the bullied?
First of all, the child needs to understand that he should not accept being a victim. He did not create this abuse, and it is not his fault. Sensitive children feel that they caused the abuse and that no one can come to save them and make it right. Some become so frustrated they react as the bully expects which makes them doubly vulnerable. Lastly, they must not feel they can ignore the taunts and make them go away. That gives the bully the message that he has won.
One of the best preventative interventions is body language. Help your child create an assertive stance. Show him and help him practice. Work until he can present the look of confidence. Teach appropriate assertive comebacks lines to use in the most vulnerable situations. Use the comeback statements wisely so they do not backfire. Remember, a confident whole presence is the best defense.
- Remain cool at all cost.
- Avoid the temptation to throw in the next barb, and foil with the next sword.
- Instead, use a comeback line like: You are trying to make me feel bad, but I don’t!
- Your line must be brief, to the point, giving the message that he did not get to you.
- Look the bully in the eye.
- Have a poker face that shows no anger. Practice, using a mirror, making a blank face. Seeing hurt or anger on your face makes you vulnerable.
- Don’t trade insults.
What are the consequences of bullying?
Victims of bullying are at risk for social, emotional and psychiatric problems that may persist into adulthood. They tend to internalize their problems and may become depressed. They may be anxious and withdrawn. They may feel unsafe at school. They feel insecure, cry easily, are anxious and withdrawn, as well as feel weak and powerless. Victims stop participating in extra activities, and feel unsafe in school. Often their grades drop creating another issue that compounds their problem.
The bully loses his sense of life’s balance and is often disruptive, aggressive and depressed. Feeling the need for power, he develops social anxiety, has difficulty concentrating, is highly impulsive, and becomes more distracted, inattentive, hyperactive and socially maladjusted.
Both the victim and the bully experience an emotional interference and often have symptoms of reading and writing problems. If a learning difference exists, these symptoms are compounded. These students often experience elevated anxiety and have a greater risk of dropping out of school. The stigma of the bully cycle increases the incidence of drug and alcohol abuse. Adolescents displaying these behaviors are four times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24. There is no winner here.
More information can be found in M. Snyder’s Understanding Bullying and Its Impact on Kids with Learning Disabilities or ADHD, http://www.greatschools.org/special-education and D. Olweus’ Bullying at school: What We Know and What We Can Do.
What can parents tell their child to do if they are a witness to bullying?
Seldom does a bullying event occur without witnesses. Some witnesses are disturbed by what they see but feel powerless to do anything about it. Some witnesses cheer the bully on. Along with teaching children to effectively thwart bullying behavior, parents can teach their children to stand up for others. If the bully does not have the support of the crowd, he is less likely to continue the behavior. Four strategies a parent can encourage if their child is a witness to bullying include:
Empower your child to state forcefully: “Stop! You’re Bullying”
If this is too hard, say something to support the victim.
Help the victim to walk away. Bullies need an audience.
Be willing to report the bully to an adult. Adults can not be supportive if they don’t know.
(http://www.education.com/reference/article/child-witness-bullying)
How do we make a change and get the school involved?
A lot of the bullying happens in or around school property and involves student to student interaction. Many schools have a no-bullying policy and really want to enforce it. Many times action is impossible as teachers do not witness the events, students have difficulty relaying what happened, and many denials and twisting of the facts occur. The schools that make a difference use a preventive approach.
David Olweus has made a study of the school community and created a bullying prevention program for schools. Students discuss and define bullying, and are encouraged to make a commitment to speak up when seeing a bullying event, as well as to befriend a victim. Students are taught to express their feelings and speak openly and candidly through role-play and interactive activities. With the entire school community working together, bullying is less likely to happen. For more information about this bullying prevention program, see http://www.olweus.org/public/bullying.page. Check with your child’s school to determine what program is in place and what interventions or supports are available for your student.
What if the school is unresponsive to my requests for help with a bullying situation?
As a parent, it is important to remind your school administration that students who threaten to assault other students are guilty of criminal laws prohibiting assault and battery. If the bullying is more verbal and less physical, it is still a situation that under Georgia Law that must be addressed. “Bullying is a direct violation of student’s rights under the Georgia Constitution which states in the Bill of Rights Paragraph One: No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property except by due process of law. And Paragraph Two: Protection to person and property is the paramount duty of government and shall be impartial and complete. No person shall be denied the equal protection of the laws. A synopsis of the wording of the 2010 Georgia law and the school’s responsibility follows.
“Under Georgia law, O.C.G.A. §20-2-751.4 (2010), Policies prohibiting bullying; (b) Each local board of education shall adopt policies, applicable to students in grades six through twelve, that prohibit bullying of a student by another student and shall require such prohibition to be included in the student code of conduct for middle and high schools in that school system.
Additionally under Georgia law, O.C.G.A. §20-2-751.4 (2010), Policies prohibiting bullying; (b) Local board policies shall require that upon a finding that a student has committed the offense of bullying for the third time in a school year, such student shall be assigned to an alternative school. Each local board of education shall ensure that students and parents of students are notified of the prohibition against bullying, and the penalties for violating the prohibition by posting such information at each middle and high school and by including such information in student and parent handbooks.
Furthermore, pursuant to Georgia law, O.C.G.A. §20-2-751.4 (2010) (c), Policies prohibiting bullying; (b) any school system which is not in compliance with the requirements of Georgia bullying laws will be ineligible to receive state funding. Thus if a school has been on notice that students have repeatedly bullied someone over three times, and yet none of these students have been assigned to alternative schools, it puts the school system out of compliance with the requirements for state funding eligibility.”
SUMMARY AT: Georgia Injury Lawyer Blog: Bullying Laws Archives
FULL TEXT AT: Georgia House Bill – Bullying
Is it a good idea to contact the bully’s parents?
Although you are triggered to do something to protect your child from bullying, and the child doing the bullying is identified, please do not consider contacting and going to the parent of the bully. You do not know the attitude of the family involved; let the school personnel take the initiative.
What is cyber-bullying and what can be done?
The wealth of technology in our culture offers more opportunities for hurtful and dangerous behaviors. The ability to contact anyone at anytime makes some kids especially vulnerable to cyber attacks. The site www.dosomething.org gives the following 11 facts about cyber-bullying:
- Nearly 35% of kids have been threatened online and almost one in five have had it happen more than once.
- Among this percentage, being ignored and disrespected were the most common forms of cyber bullying.
- Nine out of ten middle school students have had their feelings hurt online.
- About 75% have visited a Web site bashing another student.
- Four out of ten middle school students have had their password(s) stolen and changed by a bully who then locked them out of their own account or sent communications posing as them.
- About 21% of kids have received mean or threatening e-mails.
- The psychological and emotional outcomes of cyber-bullying are similar to real-life bullying outcomes, except for the reality that with cyber bullying there is often no escape. School ends at 3 p.m., while the Internet is available all the time.
- The primary cyber-bullying location where victimizing occurs, at 56%, is in chat rooms.
- Girls are about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyber-bullying.
- About 58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online. More than four out of ten say it has happened more than once.
- Cyber-bullying has increased in recent years. In a national survey of 10-17 year olds, twice as many children indicated they had been victims and perpetrators of online harassment in 2005 compared with 2000.
Parents need to be aware of what their child is doing on the computer, as well as what others are sending to him. It is the parent’s job to be a monitor and intervene when necessary. An easy to use, affordable and secure solution is CHECKSTICK. This is designed to assist and enable families to use the internet safely. The system consists of software that arrives preconfigured to
view historic data including visits to Web sites, chat rooms, instant messaging, social networking, images, emails and more. For more information: http://www.checkstickusa.com/HomeUsers.html.
The message here is serious, but it is not without hope. The recent rash of young suicide victims has prompted action throughout the nation. Yes, there is hope as a movement toward preventative programming is beginning to surface in our schools, and legislation is mandating intervention. Properly addressing bullying is making a difference.
An eight-year-old who was harassed on the bus daily during her first three months at a new school was taught to be assertive. Teachers, therapists, and bus personnel intervened. Her sensitivity to harassment is still there, but at ten, she no longer melts down at the sight of a bus, can ride it to school, and has overcome a complete melt down which resulted in school phobia.
A shy, introverted youngster was being bullied on the playground. He was intellectually brilliant, but socially inept. As a loner, he chose to sit on the sidelines when the children played. The bully targeted him, encouraging everyone who had a ball or other object to pelt him as they went by. This went on for several weeks, unknown to teacher or other school personnel. Finally one day, another child who was attending to the school’s Anti- Bullying Program, yelled at the bully pointing out his negative behavior. The witness advocate then became a victim. Having more self-confidence, knowing what was right and wrong, he told on the bully. The bully was secretly observed, caught in his malicious activities and properly sent to counseling. The playground became a safer haven for all of the children. Both victims were relieved and became fast friends.
An adolescent female was being cyber-bullied with text messages from other girls from the “in group.” Their hateful remarks, threats and insinuations sent this victim to her room sobbing, day after day. Mom, seeing the change in her behavior, began to search for messages on the internet, and then cell, giving her the ammunition she needed to intervene on her daughter’s behalf. After speaking with the school guidance counselor, teachers, and administrators, a resolution was found. Interactive dialogue between the girls led to the root of the mistrust, counseling intervention resulted in a solution. The girls are now friendly and more respectful of one another.
All in all, it takes a heightened awareness to intervene. With today’s knowledge and the immense number of resources of intervention programs, a change is possible, but everyone must get onboard. Yes, it takes the whole village to create a difference, but change is coming.
What resources about handling bullying are available
to teachers, parents and their students?
How to Stop Bullying: Stop the Harassment before it causes permanent damage,
http://www.how-to-stop-bullying.com/bullyingvideos.html, includes a rich list of videos and books categorized by age: 4-8, 6-10, 9-12, young adult, adult, and parents.
Assemblies about bullying:
Don’t Feed the Bully with Brad Tassell
Using his new book on bullying, Brad uses humor, song and interaction to send a positive message toward making a difference and in-depth discussion of how bulling and defensiveness must, “Stop with YOU!” www.dontfeedthebully.com/
The Bully-Free Amazing Wonder Show is America’s #1 Bullying Prevention Assembly Program! with Chris “Doc” Dixon at www.bullyfreeschools.com/
Bullying PowerPoints with interactive activities games and lessons for kids, teachers, and parents at http://facs.pppst.com/bullying.html
Bullying information center with the latest in bullying research conducted by world-renowned experts, plus 10 actions parents can take to help reduce bullying at www.education.com/topic/school-bullying-teasing/
For articles on information for the bully and bullied search “bullying” www.additudemag.com
Bird’s Hill Publishing offers a selection of books on bullying at www.thebullybook.com/
The US Department of Health and Human Services offers flash movies, games, and information about bullying and how to prevent it through Stop Bullying Now! at www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/
Find answers and address concerns about bullying by searching “bullying” on www.parentfurther.com
Find elementary lesson plans at www.goodcharacter.com/GROARK/Bullying.html
Lesson plans and strategies when dealing with bullying in the classroom at wwww.educationworld.com/a_special/bully.shtml
Lesson plans dealing with verbal bullying and its effects on children found at www.suite101.com/content/bullying-lesson-plan-a134…
For character education dealing with anger management, bullying and conflict resolution at www.internet4classrooms.com/character_ed.htm
An interactive guidebook for families can be found at www.bulliesguidebook.com/
Lesson plans from PBS KIDS at pbskids.org/itsmylife/parents/lesson_plans/bullies…
Hundreds of teacher-reviewed lesson plans from www.lessonplanet.com
A researched-based bullying prevention program used in schools can be found at
www.thewalkerschool.org
Coloroso, B. (2002), The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School, How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence. Harper Collins, Toronto.
Coyote, C., The Bully Game: Stop Picking on Me. A board game available from www.amazon.com.
DePaola, T. (1979), Oliver Button Is a Sissy: Overcoming Bullying. Harcourt Brace.
Estes, E. (1944, 2004), The Hundred Dresses. Harcourt Paperback.
Best children’s books on bullying, catalogued by bibliograpy and children’s books about bullying:
http://www.best-childrens-books.com/childrens-books-about-bullying.html
Joan K Teach, Ph.D. is an educational consultant in the Atlanta Area. Dr. Teach received her Ph.D. from Georgia State University, her MS from Purdue University, and her BS from Wittenberg University. She has been working with families and adults with special needs for the past 50 years. She is the former director of the Lullwater School, a current member of the Board for the Learning Disabilities of Georgia, CHADD of GA, Kids Enabled, a former member of National LD, CHADD and other support organizations for those who have alternative learning styles. Dr. Joan has a passion for helping others and has presented locally, nationally and internationally. In her spare time, now that she is retired, she develops games and simulations for those who learn differently.
Contact information:
Joan K Teach, Ph.D.
4105 Briarcliff Rd. Suite 210
Atlanta Ga 30345
404-633-2040
joankteach@bellsouth.net
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This is a great article that includes every aspect of bullying from the child being bullied to the bully himself to the bystander who may not know how to respond or is afraid to speak up.
Comment by Beth — November 26, 2010 #