It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To…
Helping Kids Find Confidence in Social Situations

Not every child loves a party. For kids with learning differences, social situations can spell awkwardness and fear. Here are some tips for parents on how to give their child the confidence and communication skills needed to relax and enjoy the party.

Gayle Born, MEd
Mary Jane Trotti, MA
Robbyn Laufer, OTR/L

Parties are joyous and fun occasions for most kids, but for some children who lack the confidence needed to enjoy social situations, parties are just another time when the “differences” cause self-consciousness and fear. Luckily, the child who is socially awkward can learn to develop the skills needed to overcome fears and join in on the fun. Just as you would prepare your child for any anxious situation (a test, a sports event, a new school), you can prepare your child for those party situations that may come naturally to other kids. The first step is knowing your child well and anticipating the troublesome stimuli at a party.

Come on, parties are fun!
Much of what makes a party fun for some kids, are the very aspects that make it stressful and scary for others.

Noise, such as singing, clapping and loud music, can create sensory overload. Some children may even feel pain if the noise reaches a certain decibel level. In response, children can feel the “flight or fight” reaction and begin to be clingy, irritable, act out and/or leave the room.
Touch is another way that some children feel stress. The movement at a party lends itself to kids bumping into each other and unexpected contact, which makes certain children feel as if their personal space is invaded. Other children react in an opposite way, and become very stimulated by an unstructured environment of movement and noise. They become hyperactive and “revved up,” which can lead to roughhousing and difficulty following directions.
Food can be a huge issue at a party or social gathering. Picky eaters are hypersensitive to the taste, texture and temperature of most foods. If children get really hungry, their stressful reactions to the social situation intensify. For older children, it can also be very embarrassing to not be a part of the festivities and to appear as “not fitting in.”

Planning ahead for sensory issues
For the child who is oversensitive to birthday party chaos, as well as the child who becomes too wound up and active due to the party excitement, the use of movement activities that tire out the major muscles will have a calming and stress relieving effect that reduces the child’s reactivity and sensitivity. These activities include games or exercises that “strain” the muscles and joints. When planning these exercises, think Push Pull Carry and Jump.

Some specific examples are:

Bulldozer. Adult and child stand facing each other with arms extended straight ahead and palms touching (so palm of child’s left hand is touching palm of adults right hand and vice versa). While keeping arms straight, each person pushes the other, bulldozer fashion, in attempts to make the opponent move backwards. Repeat two to four times. The adult should resist just enough to make it challenging, but give in enough so that the child experiences some success. Adjust the difficulty based on the age and maturity level of the child. It’s not about who “wins;” it’s about working the muscles and strength. The goal is the muscle input. This exercise activates the muscles of the whole body, especially arms and legs, and compresses (pushes) the joints of the upper and lower body, which calms the body and brain and prepares it to better handle sensory inputs.
Modified bulldozer. Same concept as the exercise above, except the child is facing a wall with his hands on the wall. He then “pushes” the wall as if trying to move it to make the room bigger. Push hard through the count of 10, then relax, then repeat three to five times.
Chair pushups. While seated in a chair, child places the heels of his hands on the seat of the chair, with arms straight. Push up on the hands to lift the feet off the floor and the bottom of the seat of the chair so that only the hands are left touching the chair and the rest of the body is lifted. Hold through a count of five and release; repeat three to five times.
Hand pushes. Place palms of hands together at midline (at the middle of the body), turning hands slightly such that the heels of the hands are in firm contact. Push hands together hard through the count of 10 and repeat three to four times.
Carrying heavy objects for a few minutes can be good preparation for some children. Carry a bucket of water, groceries or rocks; for older kids lifting weights or exercising with a medicine ball works well.
Exercise-band or tubing stretches. Commonly used in aerobics and yoga classes, these stretchy bands are usually available the sporting goods section of most stores. Hold a short section in each hand and pull, or step on one end and pull the other.
Jumping. For some children, jumping is a great preparatory activity. Use an outside trampoline or a mini-tramp inside.
Food and rest. A hungry or tired child will have much more difficulty managing his behavior and comfort level. Make sure your child has had a good meal and is well rested before a party. Since party food might be served later than your child is accustomed, or it might turn out to be food your child won’t eat, encourage your child to have a healthy snack before the party.

If you are working with an occupational therapist, be sure to discuss these types of concerns and ask for suggestions. Your therapist can provide you with techniques and exercises that have been successful in treatment sessions and can offer demonstration or hands-on practice.

Can you say hello?
For many children, the lack of social confidence can come across to others as shyness, or even rudeness. Below are some tips for parents to help their children practice and gain confidence when talking to party guests and the host.

Think about FEVER: Face the person, make Eye contact, use a pleasant Voice, have a pleasant Expression on your face, and have the Right posture.
Practice a greeting and the appropriate responses. Even the time honored, “Hello, how are you? I’m fine, thank you,” will do.
Practice the good-bye. “Thank you for having me. I had a nice time.”
Make sure the child understands the reason for the party: birthday, a family member graduating, a new baby in the family. Practice “happy birthday,” “congratulations,” “it’s nice to see you.”
Have answers ready for questions that may come your child’s way: How is school? What is your favorite subject? How is your brother? Knowing what is expected in an answer to such questions helps the child feel less anxious about questions that may come out of nowhere.

During the party
Planning for the worst and being ready if it happens keeps your child from feeling overwhelmed if something goes awry. Below are some tips if overstimulation does happen.

Use the Push Pull Carry and Jump principle right there at the party. Just one or two minutes of heavy muscle activity can have a beneficial effect. For drop off parties, remind children of the exercises they can do there (Don’t forget bulldozer if you need it!). If appropriate, let the host know what activities can be done to calm the child down.
Sometimes just leaving the room and taking a quiet break in another part of the house can help, or coming inside the house for a minute if the party is outside. If appropriate, arrive early and “scope out” possible break locations. Encourage your child to go to those areas if they need to. Mention your plan to the host, so your child can leave and return discreetly.
For some children, chewing gum can help them remain calm and comfortable. Others can benefit from having a personal water bottle with a straw style sports top to encourage deep breathing and calming sucking. They can chew on the straw too, which has added calming benefit.
A child bothered by noise often stays calm if the noise does not surround them. So, a child who stands behind everyone during loud singing or clapping does not feel so overwhelmed. Remind your child to position himself so that the noise is in his line of vision, so that he can “see” where all the noise is coming from. Noise coming from where you can see it is much less problematic.
If your child has any neurological issues, e.g., sensory integration issues, ADHD, Tourette’s syndrome or language disorders, let the party host know. Also, offer suggestions as to how they can accommodate the child’s needs. However, don’t overwhelm the host with a situation they are not qualified or in a position to handle. With younger children, stay at the party or nearby, so that you can take your child home in the event he can’t make it through the entire party.

Dude, why’s your mom here?
Since older children frequently attend parties without the parents present, it is always helpful to prepare your child to deal with disappointments and conflicts with peers. If a child is rigid and inflexible in his thinking, the child will respond poorly to problems. If, on the other hand, the child knows how to use his own thoughts to weather the difficulties, problems will be more easily managed. Some examples of thoughts children might experience at a party might be:

“Nobody likes me here. They are teasing me.”
“It will never be my turn.”
“I’m always the last one.”
“I’m not good at that game!”

Regrets only
There will inevitably be those parties that promise to be just too much for your child and knowing when to send your regrets is as much a valuable skill as any of the others discussed here. Also, if your child does not want to go (“I hate those jump-house parties”), then respect his wishes and trust that he knows his own limitations. If appropriate, plan a less stressful outing or get-together with the birthday boy or girl. That way your child gets to be a part of the birthday without the stress of the party.

A little planning and preparation can go a long way toward making a child with sensory issues and learning differences feel more comfortable in social settings. Practicing potential conversations and discussing various situations that might occur can help ease a child’s stress and anxiety about a party or gathering. Keeping an eye out and planning for those sensory triggers help kids come up with strategies for navigating the overwhelming stimuli at a party. That way, everyone has fun!

Sources for parents

Books

Why Don’t They Like Me? Helping Your Child Make and Keep Friends.
- Susan M. Sheridan.
Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success.
- Stephen Norwicki and Marshal Duke.
The Social Skills Picture Book: Teaching Play, Emotion and Communication to Children with Autism.
- Jed Baker.
Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues.
- Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske.
The Out of Sync Child.
- Carol Kranowitz.