By Jeffrey Jones, PH. D.
While some children navigate the social world and make friends with ease, others struggle and feel left out. Many parents, knowing the importance of successful relationships, worry about their children’s present and future happiness.
There are many ways parents can use family time to help build and strengthen a child’s social skills. The following seven practical home-based methods can be used to teach and nurture social and nonverbal communication skills.
Talk about it
The best way to talk to a child is to listen to him. Many parents tend to problem-solve and lecture, which often leaves children feeling frustrated, confused and unwilling to share. Parents are left wondering why their child won’t discuss his perceptions, thoughts and feelings. Instead of criticizing and lecturing, it is beneficial for parents to find a way of talking about issues and potential strategies that involves active listening, clarifying feelings (“so what I hear you saying is…”) and collaborative problem solving. Asking open-ended questions, rather than yes/no questions, encourages the child to examine how he feels and to formulate possible strategies for himself.
Well, when I was your age…
Parents can show empathy and understanding by sharing some of their own childhood struggles. Some adult situations are also appropriate for sharing. For example, if a child is struggling with bullies, a parent could share an experience in which someone at the office was being rude and intimidating. Being honest about how the situation made them feel (scared, embarrassed, stupid) is paramount. If parents focus only on the positive, instead of talking honestly about how they and the child feels, they send the message that negative feelings are bad, or unworthy of discussion. Parents shouldn’t let their child’s possible feelings of shame toward social issues keep them from initiating discussions about it. The best time to initiate conversation is when the child expresses some kind of dissatisfaction about his social situation. And remember, the best initial reaction is to listen carefully.
Practice, practice, practice!
This may sound overly simple, but the most important intervention strategy for children who struggle with social skills is to practice at home. Social skills training and coaching does not require advanced technology or extensive reading. A successful approach to remediation at home involves modeling positive social behavior (taking turns, showing empathy, self-control).
- The dinner (or lunch or breakfast) table is a great venue for practicing conversational skills. Everyone can contribute to the conversation (what did you do today? how was the test?). Again, ask open-ended questions that encourage lively conversation (did anyone get in trouble today?). This provides an opportunity for kids to work on expressive skills, and for parents to model conversational skills.
- Parents can help kids anticipate specific situations where the required social skills may be trickier (a visit to Grandma’s house, visiting a friend in the hospital, a new doctor). Talk about what is expected from the child in the way of behavior and conversation. Help the child practice greetings, and help him formulate answers to anticipated questions.
- Take advantage of situations that occur while out in public or on TV. Discuss how well the person(s) handled the social situation. What could have been done differently?
Reading the signals
Some children can miss important nonverbal clues such as facial expression, voice tone, body gestures and cues about personal space. Emory University psychologists, Marshall Duke and Stephen Nowicki, authors of Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success, have demonstrated that nonverbal communication is vitally important, operating mostly out of our awareness and improving with awareness and practice. They coined the term, “dyssemia,” which refers to a deficiency in the ability to interpret nonverbal communication cues.
Playing games (like Charades) which require attention to nonverbal cues is a great way to strengthen this social skill. Car trips provide an excellent opportunity for games that involve voice tone or “how you say what you say.” The idea is to use a specific phrase and to explore how the message changes when it is expressed in different ways. Mirroring, where one person faces the other and matches his movements, is another excellent activity. Other suggested activities include discussing nonverbal communication in movies, people watching, and talking about how people are feeling based on their appearance and actions. Our culture is full of unspoken rules, like how to act in an elevator or where to tap someone to get their attention. It can be both fun and informative to look out for and discuss these conventions.
Symbols of social success
Metaphors or symbols are a good way to talk about social skills and to make them memorable. For instance, rubber bands symbolize flexibility and a penny that has been used in a coin toss can represent sportsmanship. These can be saved in a toolbox that is kept at home and reviewed later. Other examples include little anchors that represent the concept of anchoring yourself and “googly” eyes that refer to making eye contact. Some parents list the icons on the refrigerator for everyone in the family to note when they have used a skill. Other parents pull out the toolbox full of icons before the child goes into a predictable social situation and asks which of these the child might need.
Providing social opportunities
Parents can be proactive in enhancing their child’s social world. They can make sure their home is an inviting place for potential friends. While every family’s situation is different, having fun and engaging activities to do at the house can help. Some activities involve an investment of time and money (swimming pool, pool table, exotic pet or trampoline), while others simply take creativity and input from your child (a fun play space, basketball hoop, new board games). Parents can also provide activities like visiting local attractions, taking hikes or bike rides, attending sports events or cooking out for their child and potential friends. By creating a family social life, where relationships with children in other families provide safe opportunities for social skills practice, the awkwardness and struggle of socializing is minimized.
Play dates
How can a parent maximize the potential for a successful play date? Some planning is a good idea. While some children can create a good time for themselves and their guests, others need help. Consideration of possible activities before the visit can improve the quality of the play. Monitor the play and be prepared to intervene (or mediate) if things aren’t going well. Parents are advised to keep the visit short, especially with a new friend. Some children are not used to relating to peers for extended periods of time, and it is always b*-etter to end the play date while the children are still having fun! Many children struggle with basic social skills such as listening, making conversation, being a friend and playing games. Parents should take a common-sense approach toward finding fun ways to practice the relevant skills. Careful observation, listening, modeling, respectful coaching, straight talk and planning create an effective approach to remediation of social skills deficits. Parents who put anxiety and frustration aside, and employ patience and creativity with their children, will be the best guides for social success.
Dr. Jones specializes in child, adolescent, marital and family psychotherapy and has been leading therapy groups for over 20 years. He is an adjunct associate professor at Emory University. He has also served as a chair of the Division of Child, Family, and School Psychology and a member of the Ethics Committee for the Georgia Psychological Association. For more information, visit his Web site at www.beyondwordscenter.com.
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This was some Very Good information, it really made me think on how I handle certain situtations with my son, and how I can approve on them. Great Job
Comment by Phoebe Pitchford — June 10, 2010 #