The Art of Winning – and Losing

By Mary Jane Trotti, M.A., ET/P and James W. Trotti, M.Ed., NCC

There are few experiences in childhood that closely mimic adult life as the joy of winning and the disappointment of losing. Children who compete athletically, academically or otherwise have a unique opportunity to learn how to graciously win and gracefully lose.

Due to a soccer teammate’s injury, our freshman child enjoyed the unexpected opportunity of playing goalie all year. The team had an undefeated season which culminated in a county championship. At the awards dinner we eagerly awaited the accolades we knew our child would receive. Instead, the coach spoke only of the one goal our child gave up that season. He said, “If only he had not let that one goal go in…if only he had caught that one ball…we would have had a perfect season. Better luck next year.” Rather than recognize achievement and effort, the coach chose to focus on “perfection.”

Setting an example
Teaching healthy sportsmanship begins when a child is very young. Parents are their children’s first teachers about winning and losing as they model how they accept their own defeats and disappointments. Showing children how to handle loss without blame or disparagement of the winner is a first step. When playing games with your children, don’t fall into the trap of letting them win every time. A child needs to experience the feeling of losing as well as winning. If you lose a game, exhibit good sportsmanship by showing how to congratulate the winner. We have all observed kids who demonstrate poor sportsmanship at losing with a scowl on the face or a refusal to shake hands, and we know how negatively it affects the whole team.

The joy of victory
Good winners are proud of their accomplishments but do not boast or brag. They are humble about the win, knowing they could just as easily have lost. In our very competitive society, it is more important that children be taught to strive for doing their best rather than strive for winning. That way, no matter what the outcome of the game, the child will grow in self-esteem. In teaching your child to be a good winner, always insist that your child speak to the losing opponent and say something encouraging about his effort.

The agony of defeat
It’s equally important to teach your child how to be a good loser. As adults, we will lose many times and our ability to rebound will be a predictor of how successfully we move through disappointment. If the emphasis is only on winning rather than doing your best and helping your team, then losing becomes devastating. Adults can teach children that losing is a chance to renew efforts and increase performance skills. Young athletes who can encourage themselves onward, and congratulate the winners, will take these skills with them into a healthy and successful adulthood.

Winning and losing with learning differences
There will always be children who lose more than they win and vice versa. For the child who has learning challenges, winning should not be the ultimate goal. The child should be praised for noted improvement in skills, attitude and perseverance. There are far more opportunities for character building when a child learns to use each loss as a motivator for greater success. Parents are the ones who deliver the message about what is of value. If there is constant encouragement for the child who loses more than they win, the child will begin to see importance in effort and improvement. For the child who wins more than he loses, there is frequently the pressure to expect more and more out of the child until he feels that he can never measure up. The child who always wins may have difficulty learning how to lose and may see any loss as a major defeat or setback.

Disappointment can make it easier to focus on loss rather
than the lessons to be learned. When parents teach their children good sportsmanship, they teach their children about dedication, perseverance, humility, empathy and self-worth. Winning and losing will continue into adulthood, but the children who have learned how to handle both make well-adjusted and successful adults.

Good Coach, Bad Coach

A Good Coach…

Loves the game

Focuses on excellence in fundamentals

Shakes hands with athletes

Encourages progress

Says, “We’ll work on that”

Invites feedback from athletes

Teaches and instructs

Inspires hope

Finds the best in every athlete

Earns respect

A Bad Coach…

Loves to win

Develops the showy before solid skills

Shakes head at athletes

Encourages favorites

Says, “What was that?!”

Instills fear in athletes

Yells and shames

Inspires hopelessness

Seeks only the best athletes

Demands respect

-Mark Eaton, CrossFit Journal, March 2008

Athletes Behaving Badly

When your child’s favorite celebrity athlete gets caught using drugs, driving recklessly or throwing tantrums on (and off) the court, how do you explain the bad behavior to your star-struck young athlete? Marianne Engle, Ph. D., a noted sports psychologist and clinical assistant professor at the NYU Child Study Center, offers the following tips to turn the fall from grace into a few life lessons.

Separate sports ability from character development. Superior athletic skills don’t guarantee development of moral values or stress-management skills.
Emphasize that an athlete can be admired for his skills, scores and stats, but that admiration doesn’t have to include his personal decisions.
To provide a balanced view, remind young athletes there are plenty of celebrity athletes who, in addition to being talented, contribute time, money and influence to helping others.
Help your young athlete develop his own perspective. Attend or watch televised games together and discuss how the plays and strategies make the professional athlete so outstanding. Point out how that athlete handles disappointment or failure on the field. How do those experiences affect performance?
Stimulate a discussion about the consequences of bad behavior by pointing out the fact that an athlete’s mistakes are remembered long after his career is over. Brainstorm ways to manage stress and deal with disappointment and failure.

www.aboutourkids.org

Mary Jane Trotti M.A., ET/P is an educational therapist at Parkaire Consultants. Her private practice focuses on helping children with neurological disorders be successful socially, emotionally and academically. She works with children both individually and in social skill groups. She can be reached at 404-819-9901.

Jim Trotti M.Ed., NCC, PFT is a nationally certified counselor and personal fitness trainer at Parkaire Consultants. His practice integrates exercise into counseling sessions to show children and teenagers how they can take control over their lives and emotions by employing physical strategies during times of stress. He works with children both individually and in social skills groups. He can be reached at 404-993-8714.

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