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An Organizing TaleBy Leslie Walden, CPO ® Chaos in the home can make a typical routine stressful and overwhelming, especially for kids with learning differences. Establishing effective organizational habits can restore order, enrich personal relationships and build strong and lasting life skills for kids.
To start, Melinda seeks the advice of friends who have dealt with these situations first-hand and they generously share their solutions. One common thread runs through their suggestions – mother and daughter need to establish new routines and habits. Many children and adults respond well to structure because it gives them a clear idea of what is expected of them. The new routines will help shape Sally’s behavior in many positive ways. Melinda knows that forming a new habit requires three weeks of practice while performing it correctly every time. Atlanta clinical psychologist, Dr. Barbara Kay, recommends making changes slowly and practicing one new habit at a time. When a person has “mastered” one habit, it is fine to move on to the next goal. As Melinda analyzes her home life, she makes a list of areas that need improvement:
Sally’s tendency to prolong her school work until the very last minute aggravates Melinda the most, so she decides to tackle this problem first. She thinks about her own tendencies to avoid unpleasant tasks. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! The two of them can work together in the evening and hold each other accountable to complete tasks. While Sally does her homework, Melinda could sort mail and pay bills, two jobs she dislikes and avoids whenever possible.
When she brings up the idea to her daughter, Sally is willing to give it a try. Every evening, mother and daughter work together at the kitchen table. Sally is busy completing assignments and Melinda tackles her piles of paperwork. The two of them take a snack break midway through their work. Both mother and daughter look forward to these few minutes when they can catch up on the day. Sally is happy to have the time together with her mother who was previously too busy to sit with her. Once Sally masters the habit of completing her homework assignments each evening, Melinda realizes it’s a good time to move on to the next goal. Sally needs to put her homework into her backpack as soon as it is completed so she doesn’t forget it in the morning. Melinda mentions an idea that appeals to her daughter: a “home” for her homework is her backpack. Sally likes that term and begins to think of “homes” for other things she owns. Next on Melinda’s list is helping Sally get ready for school which will put a stop to the noisy horn honking from the carpool each morning. She recalls what a friend told her about setting up a “launching pad.” Melinda consults with Sally and together they find counter space near the door for what she needs for school the next day (backpack, gym shoes, musical instrument). When the carpool arrives, Sally grabs the items on her launching pad and off she goes. Before she even realizes it, she is starting to be on time for the morning carpool and the annoying horn honking is a thing of the past. Melinda decides she might need a launching pad of her own and begins setting car keys, briefcase and cell phone in a designated area each evening. Her departure becomes less hectic and life feels easier in the mornings. Sometimes at night, Sally jokingly reminds her mother about an item she should put on her launching pad for the next day. It has now been several months and Melinda notices that life is gradually becoming easier at home. What a difference these new habits are making in their family life! As Sally learns to be more organized and successful in school, her sense of confidence begins to grow. The diminishing stresses at home are being replaced by a closer and less strained relationship between Melinda and Sally. The next project Melinda attempts is Sally’s bedroom closet which is in major disarray. Even Sally admits stress levels rise when it takes too much time to choose clothes and she’s late to breakfast, which affects the entire morning schedule. Melinda proposes they draw a sketch of Sally’s closet, designating specific locations for shirts, slacks, sweaters, belts, dressers, shoes and jewelry. Sally enjoys discussing with her mother what she likes and dislikes about the closet and is especially proud that she is treated as a “partner” in the project. Knowing that her ideas matter makes her feel grown-up. Sally’s closet changes keep her organized and choosing a school outfit is no longer a problem. Melinda credits their collaboration for the project’s success. She thinks, “Since working together made such a difference with Sally’s closet, we could try it with my own closet. It certainly could use it!” Melinda knows that the next project will be a particular challenge because it concerns the chores that Sally no longer bothers doing. In fact, Sally becomes angry when her mother simply broaches the subject. Melinda decides to include Sally in a discussion about what her jobs should be and includes chores that she likes, such as feeding the dog. A reward incentive is set up so that when the jobs are done Sally will be rewarded with a half hour of computer time or watching television. Sally’s weekly chore list looks like this:
Melinda posts a job list of her own next to Sally’s so they can keep track of each other’s progress. Melinda’s list is much longer as a reminder to Sally that Melinda takes care of many things in their house. Even with the posted lists, not all the chores are getting done. Melinda feels she needs some professional outside help and turns to a reputable parenting program such as Love and Logic® (www.loveandlogic.com). She attends a course, listens to CDs and begins implementing some of the suggestions based on giving the child a “chance to fail.” The program gives her practical and effective ways to respond to Sally and increase her positive behavior in their home. Over a year has passed since Melinda began making changes in her life. Was it worth it? Melinda thinks so – even with the extra work and energy it took to turn life around. Sally is now responsible for her actions and the two of them have forged a close bond. No doubt their relationship will be tested in the challenging teen years ahead, but Melinda is confident that she has given her daughter the best gift possible – life skills that will help Sally live successfully on her own.
September 1, 2008 | In Feature Articles | No Comments - Leave one!
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Melinda adores her 10-year-old daughter, Sally, but is finding it difficult to manage their lives in an organized fashion. While juggling a demanding job and a stressful home life, she is struggling to maintain a healthy, mother-daughter relationship with Sally while teaching her daughter the art of order. Melinda realizes that she must work through the day-to-day problems that augment her own personal sense of anger and frustration, while breaking down the barriers standing in the way of Sally’s progress.
