Help Desk Summer ’08

question_marks Welcome to the Kids Enabled Help Desk – where readers go to ask questions about what is important to them. The 2007 fall issue gave the first opportunity for you to ask and be answered. The following is the question that was chosen and a synopsis of the answers from our panel of experts.

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In celebration of the special role fathers play in their children’s lives, Kids Enabled chose a Help Desk question with dads in mind. Our panel of experts had the following advice and support:

Question:

I want to help my son and support my wife. However, I find it challenging and frustrating because of my busy travel and work schedule. How can I best serve my family in the limited time that I have?

Answers:

gayleborn When you’re not traveling, try and leave the office early so you can be home to “supervise” homework. This means getting your son started, helping him as needed and checking his work. You can also help him get ready for the next morning. Create a “launch pad” – a brightly colored mat where your son places his items for the next day. In the morning he just has to grab everything and go. Any opportunity you have to take day-to-day tasks off mom’s hands helps significantly. When you are involved it presents a united parental front and shows that both parents agree on the importance of the child’s education.

- Gayle Born, Educational Consultant, Parkaire Consultants, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

shahnoorsdharamsi In your limited time, focus on enjoying your son. Find fun, innovative ways to help your son benefit from this time. An activity such as making a toy airplane teaches him sequencing, visual motor integration skills, how to follow directions and using many pieces to make one item. Go on day trips or short outings (to the park or on a hike). While traveling, keep communication open with emails and phone calls. He will remember that you took the time to say hello and see how his day is going. Give your wife a few hours or the day off when you are home.

- Shahnoor Dharamsi,M.S., OTR/L, KE Editorial Advisory Board

amysherman If your wife is like most women, she appreciates any alone time and help when you are in town. Someone handling even the little things feels like a huge help. It’s not just about helping your son – it’s about pitching in and doing tasks around the house. Doing dishes, cooking dinner, making beds, doing laundry and helping with homework all help to make mom feel like she’s not in it alone. Give her the gift of time where she can pursue activities that she otherwise doesn’t have time for. Most important, get a babysitter and have an evening out – just you and your wife.

- Amy B. Sherman, M.A., CCC-SLP, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

daniellemmoore Be in touch with the therapists and teachers that are working with your son. Learn about the strategies they are incorporating into his day-to-day activities. Email is a great way to keep in touch while you are out of town. By staying in the loop about updates, ideas and strategies, it helps your wife feel that you are working together and that she is not shouldering the burden on her own. When you return home, you will be “in the know” as to your son’s progress and plans.

- Danielle Moore, M.S. Ed., CCC-SLP, The Language Group, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

davenelson The best thing you can do for your wife and child is being an active, supportive listener. Rather than just trying to “fix” things or offer easy answers, make a conscious effort to understand her point of view and be a sounding board. Listen to her experiences about working with your son, living with him and advocating for him. There are few lonelier jobs than bearing the burden of childcare and feeling like you have to explain and justify what you do to an absentee spouse. Learn an active technique, such as “reflective listening,” to strengthen your listening and attending skills.

- Dave Nelson, LPC, Floortime Director, The Community School

drpennyhayes Ask your wife for specific ways you can be helpful and supportive. It may be as simple as treating her to an occasional spa day. Ask your son the same question. It might be fun for him to work directly with you on school projects or go outside and blow off some steam and stress from the school week. Remember to give yourself credit for the contributions you do make to the family. Though you don’t participate as much in the day-to-day management family life, you still play a very important role.

-Dr. Penny Hays, Child Psychologist

It’s critical that both parents stay consistent in their methods of behavior reinforcement and educational support. This support can happen remotely when one parent travels. Use phone calls or email to ask your wife what issues your son is struggling with and then reinforce the mother’s approach with the child. Kids love getting email, so attach a funny picture with words of encouragement on the child’s issues. This reinforces your wife’s message in a positive, supportive manner. Whether it’s email, instant messaging, text messaging, phone calls or letters, communicate with your child in the manner that best suits him.

- Stephen McGaw, Atlanta father of three sons

As the father and primary caregiver for our 12-year-old son, my advice is simple. Ask your wife what you can do. Make sure you ask during “down time” when she can give a thoughtful and specific answer. Communicate to her your appreciation of her doing the hardest job in the family, and your deep desire to give her some respite while truly wanting to be more involved in the process. Take a similar but age-appropriate approach with your son.

- Carl Winkler, Marietta father of one son

Offer to pick up or drop off kids, groceries, medicines, dry cleaning — anything you can weave into your day will help. This will free up a little time in the day for your wife to have some “her” time. Attend school and psychological meetings whenever you can. Learn your child’s idiosyncrasies, be flexible and pitch in, especially in the evening when you are home.

- D. Murr, Alpharetta father of two sons

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