By Peter C. Thomas, Ph.D.
The special role fathers play in the family should be celebrated. For dads raising children with learning differences, this role can be especially challenging. Dr. Peter Thomas, a child and family psychologist in Atlanta, shares his experience and wisdom gained from dealing with his own learning difference and that of his son.
It was a typical Gulf Coast summer — a time to seek the coolness of the St. Augustine grass under gnarled Pin Oaks or to swim with friends in the neighborhood pool. Yet I was hot, sweaty and embarrassed in a stuffy classroom with two other children who, like me, had struggled all that first-grade year to read. I worried that the other kids would discover what I feared about myself: I was stupid. Fortunately, my teacher was supportive and my learning difference mild. Though I remained a slow reader, I made it all the way through graduate school. I worked hard, took control and became a problem solver. Then I found myself facing my problem all over again. I discovered my own son was struggling with the same learning challenges I experienced. Would he have the same fears I had as a child struggling with reading? As I faced this new-old problem, I realized I had a wealth of experience to offer my son.
Supportive Family Members
Watching your child struggle is painful, especially if it reminds you of your own weaknesses. As a dad, the first order of business is to face and explore any old issues or new fears you may harbor. A willingness to confront and deal with the learning difference sends a powerful message to the child about how important and supported he is in the family. Though feelings of disappointment, ineffectiveness or fear are normal for dads to experience, your child should not be affected by these feelings. While it is impossible never to convey your bewilderment or frustration, you can offset these feelings by communicating your love and interest in your child’s activities.
When I began practicing as a psychologist, I conducted support groups for parents. In the beginning, it was primarily mothers who attended. That began to change as more fathers became involved. Though many of the fathers were unsure of themselves as the groups began, they felt more confident and able to support their children as time went on. The dads I’ve worked with have different stories about how they overcame their own fears and doubts to find solutions for helping their children. Sometimes mom or dad spent extra time going over the schoolwork, or an effective tutor was hired. One family turned reading practice into a Scrabble game with homemade rules and a dictionary. They were able to help each other since the goal was to score points as a team.
A Meaningful Relationship
Studies have shown that spending just 30 minutes more a day with a child can improve the child’s school performance. Children who enjoy a strong and fulfilling relationship with their fathers are happier in school and achieve at a higher level. They are less likely to drop out and have less trouble developing meaningful relationships with others. Children who can trust their parents to listen to, but not judge, their frustrations, shortcomings and disappointments are more likely to develop the problem-solving skills they need to succeed. I discovered that just “hanging around” my kids gave them more opportunities to talk to me and, more important, opportunities for me to listen to them. Riding in the car is a great place to talk and listen. Remember, playing 20 Questions only elicits yes or no answers, but if you sit quietly and patiently, kids will speak volumes, especially if there is a friend along for the ride.
Married Dads
As a married dad, your spouse needs to know that you two are in this together and the burden is not all on her. Ideally, the home parenting team should be complimentary, not competitive. Parents should share and discuss what they have learned. While you don’t need to see eye-to-eye on everything, you do have to find a way to work together in your child’s best interest. Become active in day-to-day activities, help with homework, attend school meetings and encourage your child’s strengths. These are positive ways to be fully invested in helping your spouse and entire family feel supported.
Single Dads
If you are a divorced father, you may not have as much “face-to-face” time with your children, especially if you live in a different city. Nevertheless, the more interest you take, and the more you go out of your way to be available, the greater and stronger the bond between you and your children. While you may not be able to have physical contact with your child, technology offers opportunities to communicate and keep in touch. Try text messaging, emailing or using Web cameras. Send photos back and forth. Remember, it is your time and attention that your child needs and desires. “Disneyland Dads” are fun, but fathers who make a daily investment in their children’s accomplishments and disappointments make a lasting difference in their lives.
Building Confidence and Self-Esteem
Self-confident children are better achievers, more effective planners and goal setters. They believe in their ability to influence their environment. By encouraging their children to explore the world and learn from their mistakes, fathers convey a respect and belief in their child’s abilities. Sometimes building confidence in your child means you quietly allow a mistake rather than saying that his idea is not a good one. Dads can start by taking their child’s interests and opinions seriously. Rejoice in their successes and be available, even if it’s inconvenient, to hear about the failures. Arrange your schedule so you can watch them in an activity that is important to them, even if it seems boring to you. When my son was born, I wanted to protect him from making the same mistakes, and dealing with the same frustrations, that I did. As he grew, I soon discovered he learned some powerful lessons if he was allowed to make mistakes. I helped him construct possible solutions when things didn’t go right. It made me his “advisor” and not a nagging parent.
Learning Differences and Problem Solving
As they develop, children with learning differences need to become self-advocates and learn to problem-solve. The more a child knows about his learning style and limitations, the more he can articulate what he needs in the way of supports and adaptations. Dads can be great role models in the area of problem-solving. Modeling ways to succeed, rather than making excuses for shortcomings, will help your child gain a feeling of control when dealing with his learning difference. Don’t hesitate to share your own struggles with your child. Watching you seek answers and learn shows him that solutions are available and reinforces the fact that everyone can learn despite differences. Also, share with family members what you learn about your child’s challenges. Learning doesn’t have to be a solitary activity and, if your child sees you asking for help and problem solving, he will be encouraged to do the same.
Unfortunately, there is no “School of How to be a Great Dad” from which dads can graduate. If we were lucky, we had a male in our life who showed us the ropes and provided a positive example. Even if we didn’t, we can still learn by connecting with professionals in the community, sharing our experiences with others who are struggling, and making ourselves available to our children and our family. The most important thing to remember is that the gift of our time and love to our children will have the greatest positive impact on their lives.
11 Ways for Dads to be More Involved
- Promote open communication in your home by listening and not judging.
- Be a team player, not a competitor, with mom.
- Learn all you can about your child’s learning differences and strengths.
- Attend school conferences and meetings, or take turns with mom and then share the information learned.
- Model “stick-to-it” behavior and be a positive problem solver.
- Help your child identify and nurture strengths and interests.
- Connect with other dads and couples who know what you are going through.
- Collaborate with your child’s teacher and school support staff.
- Make time for you and your wife; make time for you.
- Use encouraging words, not demeaning remarks, when talking to your child about his learning difference.
- Avoid self-destructive stress busters like overeating, alcohol, drugs or working excessively.
|
Peter C. Thomas, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and provides psycho-educational evaluations as well as individual, couples and family therapy. He specializes in working with children and adults who have Attention Deficit Disorders and learning disabilities.
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
