Help Desk Spring ’08

question_marks Welcome to the Kids Enabled Help Desk – where readers go to ask questions about what is important to them. The 2007 fall issue gave the first opportunity for you to ask and be answered. The following is the question that was chosen and a synopsis of the answers from our panel of experts.

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Question:

I want to help my son and support my wife. However, I find it challenging and frustrating because of my busy travel and work schedule. How can I best serve my family in the limited time that I have?

Answers:

lauriesmith Keep the lines of communication open between the child, parents, teacher(s), school counselor and any service providers. Children need a unified, supportive message from as many environments as possible in order to feel safe enough to speak about their experience. There is no “one size fits all” response, but children need a response they believe in and deliver with confidence. In general, be kind, be brief and be on your way.
-Laurie Smith, Parent Representative, KE Editorial Advisory Board

drpennyhayes I think it’s about balance and self-esteem. It’s important for kids to understand that everyone has his “thing.” If children are confident in other areas, mean comments are less likely to bother them. To help kids ignore unwanted comments, I suggest they learn to use positive self-talk. If they respond negatively to the comment, their body language shows it and the other child sees his tactics are working. If they say positive things to themselves, they show they took the comment in stride. Sometimes, distracting mind exercises, like counting backwards from 100 by 3s, can also be helpful to communicate the message that the comment is being ignored.

-Dr. Penny Hays, Child Psychologist

shahnoorsdharamsi Sometimes kids make remarks because they truly don’t understand the situation or the problem. Educating other children is the first thing a child can do. For example, a child may be told, “You are so slow.” He can respond with, “I know you are really fast when we read and write, but this is hard for me. Can you help me so I don’t take so long?” Asking for help instead of being defensive can assist in understanding the learning difference and why the remarks were made in the first place.
-Shahnoor Dharamsi,M.S., OTR/L, KE Editorial Advisory Board

kathyplatzman A child with a learning difference is certainly at risk for being singled out in this fashion. Children benefit from enlisting an adult’s help in extreme situations. They also need to reflect on it, after the fact, with understanding adults who can help tailor-make an appropriate response for the next time. While there is no “boiler-plate” response, one thing that works well is making no response or ignoring the comment. The best response is to have good friends to rely on. These kinds of friendships are often forged with kids, with or without learning issues, who have common interests. Playground Politics, by Stanley Greenspan, offers help to children of all stripes to make and keep friends.

-Kathy Platzman, Ph.D., Floortime Atlanta, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

chriszelski Move through each occurrence by replaying the event to work out what really happened. Did your child read the signals from the hurtful child accurately? Is the peer just mean? Is there a plan that could be used to avoid this conflict in the future? Most of these kinds of interactions derive from communication misinterpretations. Kids ages 8 to 15 tend to blast each other more recklessly and frequently. Take time to replay the conflicts with all involved. Nine out of 10 times, someone has completely misunderstood someone else’s intent.

-Chris Zelski, Program Manager, Learning on the Log, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

daniellemmoore A child who is “de-mystified” about what challenge he faces is best equipped to handle these sorts of situations. This is why it is crucial for families to be open and honest with their child, when their child reaches the age in which he can handle the facts about his issues. A de-mystified child is a child that can say, “Yes, these things are hard for me but this what I do to handle it and this is why things are difficult for me.” The parents should role play and talk it out with their child so that they can try to handle these difficult situations.

-Danielle Moore, M.S. Ed., CCC-SLP, The Language Group, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

carolgustavson The child can either ignore the comment or say something back. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. Look at the specific situation and child. Some children can make clever remarks to defend themselves, but some children haven’t mastered this skill and anything they say adds fuel to the fire. Practice different responses and stress that it’s not the child’s fault. Make your home a safe haven for your child. No matter what happens during the day, home should be a safe place to be at the end of the day. It helps them forget their troubles and refuel for the next day.

-Carol Gustavson, Parent Representative, KE Editorial Advisory Board Member

gayleborn Children must be taught appropriate responses to teasing. Typically, they respond in an aggressive manner – a “hot” response. Or they respond in a “cold” way by crying or feeling discouraged (“Nobody likes me”). Children need to learn a “cool” response. A child that is called “four-eyes” for wearing glasses can respond by saying, “Oh man, I looked in the mirror at myself in these new glasses and had to laugh. I thought ‘Who is that guy in those funny glasses?’ Then I got really excited because I could ACTUALLY SEE myself!!! I decided it will be worth looking a little funny to be able to see. I guess we’ll both get used to my glasses eventually!” Then walk away from the situation.